They Snubbed Us, We Minimize Them, Then Issues Received Awkward

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our group of pals is about 15 folks massive. Now we have recognized one another for over three many years.

On the reverse finish of the group is a pair that we solely see when your complete group will get collectively.

We prefer to entertain and have invited this couple for years. They’ve by no means accepted our invites, although they settle for invites from others within the group. In some instances they RSVP “no,” and different instances they don’t reply in any respect.

Lastly, we hosted a celebration and determined to not invite them. All the group received collectively a couple of days earlier than our get together, and several other folks have been speaking about how a lot they have been trying ahead to it — not realizing that two folks current didn’t get an invite.

All of a sudden I felt like we did the mistaken factor by not inviting them. On one hand, I assumed maybe there’s no hurt in sending an invitation if they received’t come anyway. Then again, we now have finite area, we’re shopping for meals and provides, and I’d slightly invite folks I do know will come.

A part of me additionally feels that you simply don’t get the courtesy of an invite if you happen to by no means present or if you happen to repeatedly fail to RSVP.

GENTLE READER: Take heed to that latter a part of you.

Miss Manners assures you that the repeated offense of not answering an invite justifies not getting one other one.

She additional suggests you employ warning with the excuse that they won’t come anyway if you happen to invite them. Too many wedding ceremony hosts depend on that logic and endure the implications once they guess mistaken.

Had the couple or another person in that pre-party gathering identified the omission — or if the strain was palpable sufficient — you may need mentioned, “Lacey and Doug, you never seem to be able to attend our parties, so I didn’t want to burden you with an invitation.” It appears it didn’t come to that, however it’s there for the taking if it does.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What’s the well mannered, variety factor to do when one should miss a funeral for causes equivalent to sickness or damage?

My aunt’s mom simply handed away, and the funeral is in a couple of days. Nonetheless, I’ve come down with a nasty chilly and, within the curiosity of not making others sick, I plan to not attend except I recuperate far quicker than anticipated.

I would like my aunt to know that I care sufficient to attend, however I don’t need to make this about me. Is a textual content acceptable? A word after the funeral?

GENTLE READER: Assuming that you’ve already written a condolence letter, a telephone name could be extra private than a textual content — and extra well mannered than a word afterwards, when everybody could have questioned the place you have been.

“I am so sorry that I won’t be able to attend, but I’m afraid I have a dreadful cold and I don’t want anyone to catch it,” you may say. It goes with out saying, Miss Manners hopes, that you simply keep away from utilizing hyperbole (e.g., “I’m feeling deathly ill”) for apparent causes.

Please ship your inquiries to Miss Manners at her web site, www.missmanners.com; to her e mail, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or by way of postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas Metropolis, MO 64106.

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