DEAR MISS MANNERS: I labored with somebody who was uber passive-aggressive and made my life at work tough. Fortuitously, she retired on the finish of the semester.
There was a retirement gathering for her with cake and low, given by her colleagues. I vowed way back as division chair to by no means attend a gathering for this particular person, so I skipped it.
I used to be confronted and scolded concerning my absence. I didn’t need to lie, so I stated there have been private points that precluded me from attending.
Ought to I’ve simply gone and been the higher particular person? Ought to I’ve lied that I had an appointment?
GENTLE READER: “Passive-aggressive” is a type of phrases that Miss Manners has by no means completely understood.
Would an instance be placing up with dangerous conduct from a colleague for years with out resolving it, after which venting the accrued frustration by shirking one’s responsibility as division chair to attend a ceremonial gathering honoring that particular person’s retirement?
She is equally unclear on the ethical distinction between being truthful about your absence (when there aren’t any penalties) in comparison with having presumably been civil {and professional} each prior day (when there have been).
What would have been the hurt in displaying up for a colleague you didn’t take care of — however is not going to should see once more afterwards? As an alternative of being the higher particular person, we are able to name it being the larger particular person. Or doing all of your job. Or displaying that there are extra necessary issues in your life than her dangerous conduct.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A member of the family referred to as to verify delivery dates and anniversary dates for my grownup kids and their spouses.
After I reminded her that each my daughter and my daughter-in-law had opted to maintain their maiden names once they married their husbands, she replied that she knew, however that she would proceed to deal with their anniversary playing cards as “Mr. and Mrs. John Doe.”
I politely however firmly disagreed, to which she replied that she didn’t care — not as soon as, however twice.
I’m questioning what you consider this angle. I discover it disrespectful, not solely of my daughter and daughter-in-law, however of me.
GENTLE READER: Knowingly addressing the playing cards incorrectly is disrespectful in the direction of the recipients. Telling you of her plan to take action is impertinent and selecting a battle. Telling you she doesn’t care about your opinion, twice, is redundant and in addition tiresome.
And Miss Manners notes that that is being completed as a prelude to wishing kin nicely on their birthdays and anniversaries.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: After I problem on-line invites to a number of visitors without delay, I typically use the choice to cover the visitor listing from invitees.
I’m undecided why I do that, besides that again once I despatched invites by the mail, no one received (or anticipated) an inventory of the opposite invitees.
Nevertheless, a few of our pals, earlier than they inform us whether or not they plan to attend or not, instantly ask who else is invited or who else is coming. It makes me marvel in the event that they solely plan to mean if the listing contains the Cool Youngsters.
GENTLE READER: Surprise no extra.
Please ship your inquiries to Miss Manners at her web site, www.missmanners.com; to her e mail, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or by postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas Metropolis, MO 64106.
